Guardian of Nature

Sharing 1

2012-01-12T15:24:00.000-08:00

這陣子開始投入寫論文... 寫作實在不是我的強項，只要相信默默地寫，總會有一日可以寫好的。

有一晚跟朋友輕輕地帶過一個話題，究竟我過去的一年有冇轉變
自問，其實我有，好壞的轉變都有。
朋友也跟我說，她都覺得我有，但唔知點樣去形容。

我覺得自己變得靜了，定性了，無再亂咁口出狂言。
雖然我依然喜歡講野，但無再好似開籠雀咁講不停
經一事長一智後，很多時候講話都會諗過度過先講，亦都可能因為這個原因，我無再咁放去講野
有時候，我知道唔應該咁諗野，但自己就偏偏會咁樣去諗野，亦都唔想跟其他人說我的真正想法
被人不好地對侍過後，我真的不希望會再受到傷害
將說話放在心底裡，總好過跟人說，自從那一次開始，我的警覺性高了，對人的信任度降低了
跟自己說，不要將別人的好與壞的事都太上心，應該要分散集中力去關心身邊更多的朋友

我很開心可以有好似細妹的朋友起英國這裡，
在她身上我學習到如果跟親生的妹妹相處，我學習廚藝，包容、電腦和英文....
她也慢慢地改變了我的用錢觀....
感謝她一直以來的關心和照顧，不知不覺間變得有種依賴....
很多時候有什麼大小事都會想跟她第一時間分享。
有時候，我也會想..... 我係唔係應該要抽離一下呢？

Give Thanks

2012-01-07T12:35:00.000-08:00

今個星期收到朋友寄來的郵包
最深刻的上面寫住一句：要擔心的可以多如天上的星，海裡的沙....
對的，我真的憂慮得太多太多了，但實在唔容易將所有的事交託...

這個星期返黎都無乜點做到點野，有一個很大的難關要過，但我誇黎誇去都誇唔過
做到少少，但又怕會越搞越煩，或者係越改越錯

今日手洗件大褸，著o左成年都無洗過，超誇張........ 好dirty
跟住順手起度清潔間屋，洗緊個大口手的時候，突然間起度諗....
點解，點解我要讀PhD呀?!
讀完個HD，諗住讀完個BSc就算，出黎做野...
點知有隻鐵達尼，於是就開始了英國旅程，完了BSc，因為旅程未完，於是順理成章就讀埋個MSc
跟住就一個機會，13個月前，開始了PhD.....
一直讀PhD都唔係為o左個Dr.銜頭，只係對個topic有興趣，想在Waste management作貢獻，that's it.
但當所有野都get stuck的時候，對個topic有幾大興趣都好，都會想過放棄..... 有聽過人說：What the hell I am doing PhD!!!
如果當我望的不是銜頭，更加唔知為乜而讀
但今日洗大口仔的時候，好似忽然有個提醒，讓我回想我的讀書路有幾曲折，如果以我當初會考肥老轉校、重讀再轉校先升到預科，但結果高考都炒粉的人，咁都可以完成這個PhD，絕對是一個為主作見証的機會。
為著這個目標，我想我不會這麼輕易就說放棄。

他知道我的需要，只要做的是為主作，定晴在祂身上，我所需要的祂便會大大的加給我們。

你們需用的這一切東西, 你們的天父是知道的。你們要先求他的國和他的義, 這些東西都要加給你們了。馬太福音 6: 32-33

開初之先，說要憂慮的事可以有很多，但也可以為著很多的事而感恩。
1. 我一直都有一個很煩的housemate，搞到間屋亂和亂，唔多唔少都會為生活上帶來不便；但我要為著有一個很好人和諒解人的landlord而感恩，無人會諗到會有個landlord說錢不是一切，還給我地每人5pounds做聖誕禮物，將佢對間屋一切的安排都會交待得好清楚，會問我地學習近況...etc

2. 我要為著上年家人送我一個smartphone做生日禮物而感恩，這個whatsapp將我和家人的關係再進一步拉近，可以隨時隨地都感受到家中的歡樂，讓我有很多的支持。

3. 為著有一個好好的人渣們而感恩，他們讓我在無助的時候感受到關心和歡樂聲，我知道我們的友情會不變的。

4. 為著一個亦師亦友的朋友而感恩，他作了我和朋友們之間的橋樑，也為我分憂。

5. 為著在這裡有數個知心可以分享的知心友而感恩，因為hi bye friends可以有很多，但這些朋友不會明白，也不願意去明白你的困難苦處。可以不折不扣地將內心所有事說出來是很不容易的.... 更感恩的係可以有些朋友做了肚裡的蟲，未講到出口就已經知道想什麼。

6. 為著每一日都可以有生命氣息和飽足而感恩，在這個世界上，實在有很多人在受苦的。

當我們這樣數算恩典，會發現原來真係有很多的恩典，這樣也會覺得多一份的信心和力量去過每一天。

My Dear Heavenly Father, thanks for giving us grace and mercy that we are not deserved. The greatest grace we have received already which is your precious blood to cleanse our sin, so that we can come to your throne, speak to you directly. Father, we have loads of obstacles in our life seems cannot go through, we are weak sometime, please help us. you are the one know our weakness because you create us. In this new year 2012, I pray that you can open our eyes, ears and heart, lead and guide us so that we are on track, draw us close to you, know your direction. When we lost your way, we can't work properly. Lord, please help us to know your will and mind. I know this is not easy, but please help us learn it bit by bit, step by step so that we can do it one day. Amen.

@Day395

正或負

2012-01-02T05:54:00.001-08:00

過了差不多10日的假期，終於都要離開Plym這個地方。
每次返去都會覺得好開心，好興奮咁樣跑住返去。
但最近幾次返去，心境都開始起了一些變化, 好似覺得自己都已經唔再屬於Plym呢個地方
雖然有一個給我家感覺的團契，他們依然沒有變，每次返到這個家都會沾染到他們的愛和關心，最重要是歡笑和歡樂；這都能夠在現教會搵到，但有不同的感覺。

返到這個家，從他們面上帶來的歡笑都跟我說信心的重要。

對的 - 每個人都會有他的煩惱，但我地可以用不同的心態去面對這些事。

有人會選擇很正面看，將一切的都交託給神，深信神會有他的預備和計劃，這一切都是美好的。遇上困難或阻濟，都會看成一個被神陶造的機會，或是阻濟便是另一個機會的開始。

沒有信仰的，都會相信船到橋頭自然直，過份地操心都無用，因為可以做的都已經做完了。

然而，有人會選擇將一切看為負面，覺得是自己做得不好，只看著自己的弱點，記著別人對自己做過的不是或不好，被這些不是覆蓋了曾經對過自己好的一面。有時候，當有好的事發生了，無論眼晴或者心眼都再看不見這些的好，人開始變得不再感恩。也會將好小的問題不斷放大，無限地放大到一個程度連自己都無察覺到。就係咁樣就一直覺得自己好慘，無人會理解，開始步入一個死胡同，關閉自己，活在自己的世界，甚至推到邊沿，不斷下沈。
眼裡只看見自己的問題，但睇唔到身邊人的需要，其實，我覺得這是很自私的行為。不是應該問身邊的人可以俾到d乜野我，而係應該問自己可以俾到d乜野人。
我可以講得咁清楚，係因為我亦都有過咁的感受，也不單是出現了一次。

當睇番轉頭，其實真的覺得好恐怖，點解可以負面到這個程度，跟平日的我不大相同。
腦袋裡好似少了一件零件去將負面轉成正面能量

或者應該覺得開心的係… 我的心終於都定了Soton這個地方
居然在放假的時候會記掛住Soton的朋友和弟兄姊妹，如果我跟他們分享，佢地一定會覺得我變了。

留在plym咁多日都無一日係出太陽，無感受過太陽的溫暖，每日就好似起度發霉，很濕，一點朝氣都沒有，沒有能量和心情去hyper。
當踏上歸途的第一步，太陽就出來了，火車沿海邊駛過，我看見太陽從水平線升起，就算在車廂內都可以感覺到那份的溫暖
火車繼續行走，我看見很翠綠的田野，藍天與白雲，磚紅色的屋頂被太陽曬到變了金黃色，將近到轉車站的時候，見到田野閃令令的，哈哈，點解可以咁靚的？
神就好似用著咁美的創造去迎接返去Soton，叫我不要再低迷下去，祂看的一切甚是美好的，心裡覺得很輕，我知道這些煩悶開始走了。
如果在過去10日係玩盡cornwall & Plym，我諗我一定會好唔捨得咁樣就離去，如果起o個10日見盡咁靚的風景，我唔會好珍惜和欣賞在窗外見到的景色。

在放假的時候，我成日都用一個比喻去形容來去的心情： Plym是具大的磁石吸我返去，當我要走的時候，我就會被Soton的磁場攝回去。但是，我今次返去居然係自動想返去，覺得o個度有一班人等緊我回去，我亦都覺得夠了，雖然我唔係我好清楚我可以儲住彈藥返去寫野未，但係我最起碼知道我的心係想返去試做。

事情依舊，但我會慢慢學懂去將負面的訊息過濾，不是關於我的，不要放在心；對他人的負面看法，也不要潛而默化咁樣變成我都覺得自己都是被人咁樣睇/咁樣對我
腦部少了一個零件，但增添一個比對程式，收發訊息系統好似出了問題一樣。

我會慢慢地學習這樣想：盡力做了我應該做的，就算了，不要多想一步，諗住別人會點睇和點解讀我的說話，我可以做的係避免不必要的誤會，但不能防止所有的事發生，因為我不能改變別人那根深蒂固的想法。我可以作出糾正，但唔可以期望別人一定會接受。
當我說完了應該要說、或是當聽的話後，我就應該要畫上句號，唔記得就由得我唔記得，不能每事都太上心，最後只會辛苦了自己。

今日我可以這樣說，但我不知道我可以保持呢個想法到幾耐，不知道我會幾時再跌入呢個大旋渦裡。

我真的想，我是一個nature lover, 看見大自然就有點茅塞頓開。

@Day 390

Beginning of 2012

2012-01-01T18:15:00.000-08:00

At the beginning of 2012.... I have a feeling that I need a new start, no more hard feeling and sadness.

The best beginning of 2012 was attended the baptism service in Plym.
Their testimony encouraged me much, let me know how importance of having Faith and our God is so faithful and real.
He also let me know as long as I rely on Him, everything is possible, I can give a good and clear public speaking, no matter in Cantonese and English, which is I am always panic. :)

Year 2011 is a mess year for me, I don't know how to describe how mess it was.
After baptism on 24 July, my life has been upside down.
I can smile, but it didn't mean that I am happy; my heart was so heavy, It seldom felt that heavy before.
I worried about everything - my research, my friends and family.
I don't know how to express this kind of feeling, I knew there was something wrong, but I was not willing to spend time to face it.
Bad things kept happening, I know I can leave all my worries and burden to God.
But I don't know how to leave them to His hand, I don't know how to see and think positively.

I always think that I am the causation to make my friend suffered. Every word or sorry I heard, it seems keep reminding me I am that bad person, I am ungrateful, I am unappreciated to what my friends have done for me.
Yes - May be I am really that kind of person good at hiding my true feeling because I don't want to make them have hard feeling. I can forget the sadness every quickly in most situation, in this case, I can't. I always want to say that's enough, I felt so hurt. But I can't even I can't tell the whole story to my best friend and family.
If not, I do feel so bad, because I will break my promise.
This kind of feeling keep accumulated until come to a moment that I can't bear anymore.
That emotion affected me much that I never thought of..... I think my mind was gaining that negative thoughts bit by bit, it begun to change my way to seeing thing.
I wept a lots in darkness or in prayer, I have a sense of loneliness even though friends are around me.
I have a sense of isolation when staying with my friends - or I should say that not being isolated, but I chose to isolate myself, I can zip my lips for whole afternoon.
One moment, that unbearable negative thoughts pushed me come to an edge, I seems can't breathe, I keep feeling sad even though I was in the place where full of happy moments, I love and enjoyed most.
I felt weary, I just want all that negative thoughts, every words that I heard can leave me, I don't want to keep any in my mind. Unfortunately, I can't, I don't know how to do it.
One day, when crossing the road, come to a moment, I just want to ignore the traffic light, close my eye and across the road.
My heart was so heavy, but I don't know why I still can pretend nothing happened when talked over the phone in the afternoon.
Finally, I can't withstand anymore, I called back home and kept crying when my mum answered the phone.

Indeed, this Christmas is the one I felt bored and not enjoyed.
Not because the weather nor friends, it just kept blues over the Xmas holiday, I am not motivated to do anything.
Until one day, my friend told me, it is the first time for us to have Xmas in there...
Oh yeah! What she said she seems reminded me I should enjoy this Christmas and don't keep blues, I should treasure that God gave me in there, a lovely nest, friend and church.
Next day, I fell seriously. But thanks God that He gave me two very good listeners and comforters to me.
I will not forget what she talked to me and her encouragement, always like an angel around me and pick me up when I am low.

I have a feeling that I am not charming anymore, my wings disappeared. My wings cannot spread, I cannot fly higher and higher.

I kept thinking what I want to or need to achieve in 2012, I feel sorry that I cannot think of any consolidated plan at this moment.
All the wishes I want is.... My friend can be recovered soon.

A little bit for myself is.....
- Keep relying on God for every day and night, be a charm person, live with hope and faith and use my life to glorify Him.
- Be positive and myself
- Learn how to express myself and my true feeling easier
- learn at least one software and some program for me to reach higher goal.
- Finish the transfer report on time (in May)
- Publish at least one paper

I don't know how much I can achieve at the end of 2012, but I will try my best!

My Testimony

2011-12-29T06:13:00.000-08:00

I am glad and grateful for this opportunity to share my testimony.

I did not grow up in a Christian family. It was not until my secondary schooling that I came to know about God and I decided to become a Christian in 1997. That decision has more to do with avoiding hassles. Initially I attended church, but didn’t feel that I needed God. So within a short time I’d found various excuses to avoid meetings. Life was full and colourful at that time and I totally forgot about God. With regard to my study, there was quite a bit of setback. My achievement in school was not too bad, but my true ability was reflected in public examinations. I had to repeat in a different school before I could carry on to matriculation in yet another school.

This way of life carried on for 7 years until 2004, a friend invited me to her baptism, and there I heard many testimonies. That reminded of my past – the experience of failure in public examinations. I began to understand the need for humility, recognising that I needed God to be in charge of my life. In addition, although I forsook him, God had not abandoned me. Instead, he put me in 3 Christian schools that I could grow. Thinking of this, I had an amazing feeling in my heart, wanting to let the Lord Jesus Christ to be the Saviour of my life. I made the decision again to return to church.

As mentioned before, my school results were not brilliant, and my matriculation results did not meet the minimum requirements. So I had to continue my study in a tertiary college. However, I am grateful to God, through participation in extra-curricular activities, I came to know that environmental work is the dream, or mission, that God gave me. He also let me successfully enrol in related courses, also gave me the opportunity to continue to participate in the environmental work in the community.

God help me find the direction of my life. In the last school year, when I began to apply for university admission, I had a lot of worries, especially about finance. But God always has his plans. At this time, I got a scholarship interview opportunity, and I felt very nervous and worried. Even now, I vividly remember me praying to God, "I really want to go to the United Kingdom to study an environmental course, to equip myself so that I can be an useful instrument in your hands. Please open the door according to your will, and I also completely entrust the interview process to you ...", I entrusted to him all my worries. There was thanksgiving after thanksgiving. Before my last exam, God has provided me with a very generous scholarship, to enable me to go to the United Kingdom to study Bachelor and Master courses. I no longer needed to worry about my future. Last year, when I prepared to return to Hong Kong to work after my study, God has opened for me yet another door that I can’t ever imagine! Even before I completed the Master thesis, my supervisor has arranged a studentship opportunity for me to do a doctorate. In December of last year, I started this course.

In the past two years, God took me back to two fellowship and churches, so that I have a lot of opportunities to experience and understand him. Through this, he let me see my shortcomings. Before coming to the United Kingdom, I always thought that I had the ability to handle everything properly and perfectly. But now I’ve found out that this is not the case. Instead, a lot of things are outside my control, and are very poor. I therefore learned obedience and reliance on him, putting God back in the first place. Before I was very concern how people looked at me, and I wanted to do everything in a perfect way in order to gain praise and recognition from others. Now, I learn to focus on God, not centring on myself, as well as on others’ needs. Especially from my dealings with brothers and sisters, God let me know what caring means and how to love the people around me.

Looking back, I know that the knowledge of God has brought me salvation, so that my life can be changed. It took me 7 years to decide to receive baptism, because I know that this is a major decision, and it cannot be hastily made. Thanks be to God, he has given me many opportunities to experience him, particularly over the past two years in the United Kingdom. I know that I can’t do with him, and I am willing to follow him for life, to be salt and light for him.

Finally, if I regard myself as a sailing boat, then God is the boat’s navigation system. I had 14 years of sailing journey. In the first half of this time I acquired this system, but did not make use of it and hence drifted along in the ocean of life. Following the experience of a stormy sea, I’ve come to know how important this navigation system is. Now I have started using this system, while in the ocean I am experiencing the vagaries of the weather, but the system gives the boat a very clear destination, and I have stared a very exciting journey.

Dear heavenly father, thank you, and I give you all the praise and glory.
24 July 2011